Fishy Warfare
by Gooey
Summary: Link can eat frogs. Oh, am I good at summaries or what? Maybe Link x Henna, if this story gets that bad. [TP]
1. Chapter 1

**Fishy Warfare**

**Chapter 1**

Link was walking around the upper Zora's River, when he realised that there was a door planted on the side of a steep cliff.

He curiously walked in and went into the small house.

"Hi!" said a woman at the counter.

"Um... Hi. Listen, what exactly is this place?" Link asked.

"You mean you walked in here ignoring the letters my sister and I sent out?" the woman asked.

"What letter?" Link asked.

"You mean you ignored the sign in front of the door?" the woman said, rolling her eyes.

"Um… you mean that thing I tripped over?" Link asked.

"Well, my name's Hena. Welcome to the fishing hole," she said, sighing.

"Cool. But you still didn't answer my question. What do you do here?" Link asked.

"This is a fishing hole. You fish for fish here," Hena said, pointing to the fish tank, and Purdy, the bird.

"What does a bird have to do with fish?" Link asked.

"Purdy eats people!!!" Hena screamed.

"Okay… By the way, your name sounds funny," Link said.

"So… would you like to fish with a sassy guide, or do you want me to throw you at the beehive outside?" Hena said.

"I'd like to fish!" Link said, smiling.

"And because it's your first time here, you get it free," Hena said.

The two climbed into a canoe and pushed off into the water.

"Okay… how do I use the boat?" Link asked.

"First you get out a paddle," Hena said, showing the paddle to Link.

Link got out the paddle, hitting Hena in the face in the process.

"Then you gently sway the paddle back and forth in the water," Hena said, gritting her teeth.

Link splashed in the water.

"You did it. Wow. I'm totally stoked," Hena said, moaning.

"Yay! I'm a real man!" Link said, rowing really fast on one side so the boat capsized.

The two swam to the bank of the river.

"Because you capsized the boat with me in it you must pay 100 rupees," Hena said.

Link handed Hena 100 rupees.

"Thanks for your time spent here," Hena said, scowling.

She went back inside.

Link walked in again.

"Hey, can I fish again?" Link asked.

"Yes, I would let you, but there is a policy that we can't allow ugly men in green tunics in," Hena said.

Link changed into his Zora Armour.

"How about now?" Link asked.

"You're still ugly," Hena said.

"How about now?" Link said, dying his hair black.

"No," Hena said.

"How about now?" Link asked, putting on a Zora costume.

"No," Hena said.

"How about now?" Link asked, putting a fish on his head.

"Fine, but it will cost you 500 rupees," Hena growled.

"I don't have that kind of money! I guess I'll have to blow up stuff with bombs to see if there are rupees hidden anywhere!" Link said.

Link attempted to blow up the fish tank, the Rollgoal course on the table near the door, Purdy and her cage, the door, the trees around the fishing hole, the rock formations in the water, the waterfall, the beehive, the photos on the wall, Hena's canoe, and Hena herself.

"It seems the programmers of this game weren't careless enough to let you blow up anything except for boulders," Hena said.

"Hey, I forgot! I still have 1000 rupees left!" Link said, chuckling. "Silly me!"

"Just pay up," Hena said, unamused.

Link payed Hena 500 rupees.

"Yay! I get a boat!" Link said, stealing all the lures Hena had.

"NUUEZ!111!!! Hena screamed. "I WILL GET JOO!"

Link looked at the lures.

"Hmmm… this one is yellow and red," Link said, throwing a lure into the water.

"This one is green," Link said, throwing a lure into the water.

"Hey! This one's shaped like a frog!" Link said, amazed.

Hena got into a canoe and started to row like mad.

Link put the Froglure in his mouth.

"Mmmm… tastes like chicken!" Link said, chewing the body of the model frog.

Hena hit Link on the head with an oar.

"Take that!" Hena said.

"Ow," Link said, five seconds after he was hit.

"And that!" Hena screamed.

"Ow!" Link said.

"Hiyah!" Hena screamed, hitting Link again.

Link fell onto the side of the boat, making the boat capsize.

Hena grabbed the disembodied froglure.

"NUEZ! My froggy!" Link cried.

A Hylian Loach caught Link's lower body in its mouth.

"A Hylian Loach? The rare fish no-one's seen before!?" Hena gasped.

Link swam to the bank of the river, with the Hylian Loach grabbing onto his legs, still.

"Keep it there! I'll give you money for the fish!" Hena screamed, rowing back to the bank of the river.

"What fish? Hey, look! A Hylian Loach!" Link said.

"NUUEZ!" Hena screamed.

"Well, these things can't survive out of water, so I'll chuck it into the lake!" Link said.

"Nooooooooooo!" Hena screamed, in slow motion.

Link threw the Hylian Loach into the water.

"ARGH!" Hena screamed.

As a last resort, she cast a fishing rod into the water with the disembodied froglure, and the Hylian Loach tried to chomp it.

"Yesssss! I will catch you, O wicked fish!" Hena screamed evilly.

The fish pulled so hard that Hena fell into the water.

"Nooo! All is lost!" Hena sobbed, climbing onto the shore.

"Not all! Because of that heroic feat, you can get a free date with me!" Link said, smiling cheesily.

Hena fainted, then fell into the water, woke up, and went unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

**Fishy Warfare**

**Chapter 2  
**

Hena woke up lying on the floor of the building at the fishing hole.

She stood, and looked around.

As she made her way to the counter, Link appeared out of nowhere, with Purdy perched on his finger.

"Hi!" Link said, smiling.

"Don't you dare touch Purdy!" Hena said.

Hena snatched Purdy, accidentally strangled the bird, and dumped her dead body in the cage.

"Oh, by the way, I booked dinner for two in Hyrule Castle Town," Link said.

"Which restaurant?" Hena asked, curiously.

"Shhh! It's a surprise! And at an affordable price, too," Link said.

"Affordable? Since I robbed you of almost all your money, and meals cost heaps in Hyrule Castle Town, this doesn't sound good," Hena said.

"Well… can I fish?" Link asked.

"Firstly, you have no money," Hena said, snatching Link's wallet.

"Secondly, there are no lures left," Hena said.

"That's okay! We can use this dead bird in a cage as a lure!" Link said, holding up Purdy, who was dead.

"OMG! Purdy is dead!?" Hena gasped.

"You strangled her to death," Link said.

"NUEZ!!! I will blame it on you!" Hena screamed.

"Don't worry! I can use one of your photos!" Link said, taking a photo of Iza, Hena's sister, off the wall.

"Speaking of which, who do you think is cuter?" Hena asked, curious.

"Um… ew.. Iza has an afro… and you have freckles… um… I think he's the cutest!" Link said, pointing to an old photo on the wall.

"I don't have freckles, and that guy's old! How could you possibly like him?" Hena said, astonished.

"Well, I've dated Impaz from that hidden village! But, she had a heart attack…" Link said, in deep thought.

"Can I cancel our date?" Hena asked, backing away.

"Naah… when you were unconscious, you signed this legal contract that said that you couldn't cancel our date. Also, I used both our lawyers, and we have witnesses," Link said, holding up a contract.

"Witnesses?" Hena asked.

"Yeah, of course!" Link said.

He held up Purdy's dead body.

"I saw you sign that contract," Link said in a muffled, high pitch voice, while he moved Purdy's head up and down.

"No way! He just moved my hand up and down on the paper, right?" Hena asked, furiously.

"Over my dead body! Hee hee. Dead body," Purdy (A.K.A. Link using Purdy as a puppet) said.

"Well, you could be lying, Purdy!" Hena said, staring at Purdy as if Purdy actually was talking.

"Lying? I can only stand, and I sleep standing!" Purdy said.

No-one laughed.

"Well, I can't make bird jokes all the time!" Purdy said.

"Um… isn't thi-" Hena said, cut off by Purdy.

"I can tell lawyer jokes! What do you get if you cross a lawyer with Hena? A lawyer with half a body! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Purdy laughed.

Silence.

Purdy was sued.

Link threw Purdy's body away.

"Were there any **more **witnesses?" Hena said, looking at Link angrily.

Link ran outside, gagged and tied of Iza, and brought her to Hena.

"You saw Hena sign that contract, right?" Link asked.

"MMMMF!" Iza said.

"In gagged up hostage language, that means yes," Link said, throwing Iza into the lake.

"No it doesn't," Hena said.

"Yes it does!" Link said.

"No it doesn't," Hena said.

Link pulled out a book. It said:

'MMMMF' means yes.

'MMMMF' means no.

'MMMMF' means pickles aren't good for teeth, but have perfume inside.

He closed it, and the cover said 'The Unofficial Book of Lies.'

"See?" Link said.

"Hey, where's Iza?" Hena asked.

"I threw her in the lake," Link said.

"My sister can't swim! OMG! She's drowning!" Hena screamed.

"Don't worry! I'm sure the fish won't have their revenge on humans by chomping us to death!" Link said.

Link and Hena walked through the door.

"See! Perfectly fine!" Link said, pointing at Iza, who freed herself from the ropes and flailed her arms.

"We should help her stand up in the water," Hena said.

Link threw a fish at her.

"AAAAAUGH!" Iza screamed.

The fish bit her.

"NUUEZ! I save my sister!" Hena screamed.

She got in a boat, and paddled to Iza, and took her back to the shore.

"Yay! I guess everyone's happy now!" Link said.

Hena and Iza glared at Link angrily.

"Hena has a date with me tonight!" Link gasped, realising it was night.

"Hey, aren't you late for dinner?" Iza asked.

"NUUUEZ! JOO R RIGHT!!!" Link said, hyper ventilating.

"Hey, Iza? Did I actually sign the contract?" Hena asked.

"Yes, of course! I want you to date him anyway! It's good for your style!" Iza said.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEZ!" Hena screamed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Fishy Warfare**

**Chapter 3**

"Hena, because we need to get to Hyrule Castle Town quickly, we need to use modern transport methods!" Link said.

"Like a super fast car?" Hena asked.

"No, we'll use Iza!" Link said.

"I say we just use the horse," Hena said.

"Don't you understand? Iza **is **a horse," Link said.

"WTF!?" Hena said, looking at Link weirdly.

"Neigh!" Iza said, walking on all fours.

Link and Hena hopped onto Iza's back, and off they sped to Hyrule Town.

**5 hours later…**

"Neigh neigh!" Iza said, trying to bite at a carrot Link was holding.

Suddenly, Epona trotted out of nowhere, and looked at Iza strangely.

"Hey, Epona, because Iza took your place, you can take hers!" Link said.

Epona stared at Link.

"Can't you talk?" Link asked.

Epona bit Hena's leg.

"OW!" Hena screamed.

"See? Epona's acting like your sister already!" Link said.

"Iza doesn't bite me," Hena said, staring blankly at Link.

"Well, because I haven't bothered to get anybody to fix any bridges, we will have to go to Faron Woods!" Link said.

"Can't we just ride through Hyrule Field instead?" Hena asked.

Link ignored Hena, and rode into Faron Woods, only to get to Coro's house.

"Hey, would you like some soup?" Coro asked.

"Ew! You have an afro!" Hena said.

"I have an afro too!" Iza said, standing up, gasping and hyper ventilating.

"I have a pet bird with an afro!" Coro said, smiling.

Hena shrieked, and ran into the thick overgrowth.

"Relax, Hena! Here, have some soup!" Link said, pulling Hena out of the bushes.

"It's my special recipe!" Coro said.

"I want it first!" Iza said, grabbing a bottle and scooping up some soup.

She drank it.

"I feel all energised!" Iza said, grabbing some more soup.

She drank more and this time, choked to death because of the random generator used in the game to determine how the soup affects people.

"OMG! She's dead!" Hena gasped.

"No, she's just sleeping. She'll wake up soon," Link said.

Iza didn't wake up.

"Can I prod her body with a stick?" Link asked.

Hena started to hyper ventilate.

"YOU KILLED HER WITH THAT SOUP, BROTHER!" Hena screamed.

"No I didn't! My bird, Trill, will show you!" Coro said.

Trill drank the soup and died immediately.

"Um… is this a good time to run away, Link?" Coro asked.

Hena took Link's sword and started to slash at Coro, as Link played around with Purdy and Trill's dead bodies as puppets.

"How are you today? I think Coro's stupid!" Link said, moving Trill's head up and down.

"Very good! But Hena's very old! I guess her mum was ugly!" Link said again, moving Purdy's head up and down.

Link laughed maniacally.

"Hey, Hena! Purdy think's you're old!" Link said, laughing.

"Why don't we just go to Hyrule Castle Town?" Hena said, sighing.

Link took his sword back, and then called over Epona.

Link and Hena hopped on Epona, and rode all the way to Hyrule Castle Town.

**To be continued…**


End file.
